A Charity Pantomime benefit for the Paranoid Schizophrenics & Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "He's Behind You!!!!"
She said, she means I feel I've known you my whole life..... I'm drunk. Will you respect me in the morning?..... You won't tell your friends, will you? I never do this on my first date........ I always do this on my first date. Don't touch me there.................... Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you the first few times.
I was walking down 5th avenue and a homeless man said to me "I haven't eaten anything in four days" and I said to him "I wish I had your willpower."
So this homeless guy asks me if I had any spare change. I told him " It's at home in my spare wallet".
Actually, I carry a bunch of scratch off lottery tickets and give them to bums when they ask for spare change. The one who actually got a winning ticket put up a helluva fight, but I got it back and that paid for my cigarettes that day.
I was talking to a homeless guy and he said that he was thirsty (cooking wine bought with food stamps is very salty) but that Starbucks wouldn't give him any water. So I went and got him some water and when I gave it to him he whipped out a Razr phone and asked me if he could have my email address.
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