Hahaha, ohhh man that's a good one! So this pirate walks into the bar with his ship wheel hanging at the waist. Bartender goes "Yo, there's a steering wheel on your crotch!" Pirate "Yarrgh... and it's driving me nuts!"
That's some good shit guys. Thanks! Now I'm off to the next party. Back by noon-ish. Hasta Lavista amigos!
Another Classic: Mickey Rooney's "Ever Wonder?" - Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? - Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? - You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? - If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? - If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
More Punny Funs 1. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'. 2. Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run. 3. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. 4. It's a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed. 5. Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you. 6. Gravity, it's always putting everyone down. 7. It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face! 8. His girlfriend wanted him to slow down the car, but he put his foot down. 9. I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand. 10. Vampires are always looking for their necks victim. 11. Time wounds all heels. 12. When you get a transfusion in a Taiwanese hospital, you receive Taipei blood. 13. Artificial knees and elbows were developed during a joint project. 14. Make no bones about it but the ulna has a humerus side to it. 15. The headlines nobody likes are wrinkles. 16. This old shoe is on its last leg. 17. An hourglass is a waist of time. 18. Three fingers were willing to cooperate but the thumb and forefinger were opposed. 19. If you say you have bad skin, I'd say that was a pore excuse. 20. A balding man and his hair are soon parted. 21. Being able to fit size 14 shoes is quite a feet. 22. Your nose is in the scenter of your face. 23. I couldn't stand to be without my legs. 24. Using deodorant is no sweat. 25. What did the guy say, who needed the restroom, when he found someone blocking him? 'Urine my way'. 26. Watching your own back is a sign of flexibility. 27. Some people really enjoy blowing air out of their lungs - I'm not a fan myself. 28. Old white blood cells lymph around the body. 29. If you have sticky buns you shouldn't put pants on. 30. I can't really see myself without eyes. 31. The earless defendant waived his hearing. 32. Do you ever get tired of sleeping? 33. Did you hear the one about the tall wizard who complained he couldn't cast any spells because he was short staffed? 34. Most rules of thumb suck. 35. People who get complimented on their hair usually let it go to their head. 36. The designers of jeans are always looking at the bottom line. 37. She wanted to improve her body language, but couldn't put her finger on it. 38. His hair was light and his head was angular: he was fair and square. 39. It's hard to wear your heart on your sleeve if all you own is tanktops. 40. Do you have any parting words? - How about comb and brush? 41. To know avail is to know a scarf. 42. Wife to husband, "That was an explosive passage of gas, I'd say about 8.0 on the sphincter scale." 43. People who make necklaces may get beady eyes. 44. Greys Anatomy has many humerus remarks. 45. When my friend started to go bald, I tried not to laugh, but he looked hair-larious. 46. When some people open their mouth they put their feat in. 47. A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Chess Nuts at the Hotel A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
The Two Weevils Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Dog In Bar A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Hillary, Biden and Obama were on a donkey, at the edge of a cliff. The donkey got spooked and jumped off the cliff with his passengers. Who was saved? AMERICA !!!!