Jokes 2

The new Hank Paulson dollar bills:

 

Another Sunday, keep this up and we'll find ourselves getting old-er.

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.


One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

 

This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day,
when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way.

Then the man sayeth unto her, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?"

She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from
the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice,
unless you're tired."

 

Two aspirant nuns stay out too late one night and come back to find the doors to their convent closed and locked. The first nun immediately begins to worry that their absence will be noticed and they’ll get into trouble.

“Don’t worry!” says the second nun, “I know another way in.”

So the two nuns go round the back of the convent, an the second nun boosts the first onto the back wall.

As the first nun reaches down to help the second up, she says, “You know, I feel like a commando.”

“Me too!” grunts the second nun, “But where the fuck are we going to find one at this time of night!”

 

Handcream.

I heard that joke when I was 7 or 8 years old and didn't understand it. Then about 30 years ago, I heard it at a party on Hatteras Island.

 

The Two Friends

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."

 

A Funny Repeat

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 6 year-old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing, like dad does all the time.'

The 4 Year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year-old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'

The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every s tep. She locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay in there until I let you out.'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.'

 

Life Or Death

“Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”

“Okay, you are right, I was wrong: you have six months to live, trust me!”

 

Another Great Oldie

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins & was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

Southwest Airlines

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his Mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
Why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the Stewardess.
So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess,
“If big dogs have Baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don’t big planes have baby Planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy said, “Yes, she did”…
”Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you.”