Jokes 2

A Czechoslovakian man felt his eyesight was growing worse and felt it was time to go see an optometrist.

The doctor started with some simple testing, and showed him a standard eye chart with letters of diminishing size: CRKBNWXSKZY. . .

'Can you read this?' the doctor asked.

'Read it? I know him!'

 

Absolute Disaster

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he rolled his eyes uncontrollably, spun around a couple of times and dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so disoriented and exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "Horrible!! The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking..."

 

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

 

Things just keep getting less and less complicated everyday....

http://www.geekologie.com/2008/08/labor_day_weekend_now_with_mor.php

 

What's the bad news?

We found a chink in the voting machine system.

What could be worse than that?

We're in China.

 

CRKBNWXSKZY. . .

'Read it? I know him!'

I checked on intelius.com and they have no one listed by that name, he must be dead.

 

Matt and Mark asked about St Paul. Luke and John thought it was boring.

 

40 Year Old Scotch

A young spoiled brat goes to the best private school in the nation and longs to come home and steal Dad’s 40 year old Scotch every summer and at Christmas. When it comes time to go to college he becomes a full fledged alcoholic, kicked out of school, and is disbanded from the family. He grows into a homeless alcoholic.

Then one day at lunch he finds a lottery ticket in his lunch box (the dumpster). He checks the numbers and he’s just found the only winning ticket in a $500M Powerball Lottery!

He gets his cash from the lottery and goes to the closest upscale bar he can find in search of 40 year old Scotch.

“Five shots of 40 year old Scotch; money is no object!” he declares.

Still reeking of stench from not having bathed in more then a decade, the bartender is not too inclined to pour this man anything of value, so he serves the man one shot of cheap 9 year old Scotch and says “$6.50 please.” The man hands him a $20 and says “That Scotch was only about 8-10…ummm….9 years old and it sucked, but it was Scotch. Buy one for yourself too and keep the change.”

“Five shots of 40 year old Scotch; money is no object!” he again declares.

The bartender still can’t believe this man can pay for 5 shots of 40 year old Scotch, and he’s not really even sure if he has any around, but nonetheless he pours the man a shot of Chivas Regal. The man picks it up, looks through the glass, swirls it around, sniffs it, then shoots it down and says “That was only slightly better, maybe 11…no….12 years old…but I’m telling you, give me Five shots of 40 year old Scotch; money is no object!” He tosses the bartender another $20 bill “Keep the change!”

The bartender looks around thinking maybe this guy is on to something. After all, he could tell to the exact year how old the Scotch is.

The bartender gets a step stool and reaches up to the top shelf. He finds some 22 year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The man picks it up, looks through the glass, swirls it around, sniffs it, then shoots it down and says “That was much better, maybe 20…25…no….22 years old…but I’m telling you, give me Five shots of 40 year old Scotch; money is no object!” He tosses the bartender a $50 bill “Keep the change!”

The bartender is amazed at what a Scotch aficionado this seemingly homeless man is so he gets excited “Maybe I can get a really nice tip if I do find this man some 40 year old Scotch.”

So the bartender goes down to the basement and finds what, according to the label, is 37 year old Scotch. He pulls the invoice from the file cabinet and BINGO! They bought that bottle exactly 3 years ago. He brings it upstairs and pours the man five shots. The man takes the first shot, picks it up, looks through the glass, swirls it around, sniffs it, then shoots it down and says “That was fucking incredible; EXACTLY 40 years old. Here’s $25,000.00. Keep the change. As for the other four shots, one is for you and the other three are for these three fine customers who have been watching. Enjoy everyone!”

All the while there were two older guys sitting at the piano bar and they were never invited to this Scotch party and that kind of pissed them off a little bit, so they figure they’ll fuck with Scotch boy a little bit. One of them asks the bartender for an empty Scotch glass, then comes back up front and hands it to the Scotch aficionado. “Here you go buddy, drink this down.” he says.

The Scotch aficionado picks it up, looks through the glass, swirls it around, sniffs it, then shoots it down and says “That tastes like piss!” as he spits it out all over the bar.

The man says “It is, how old am I?”

 

You know you had to much whisky when :

You try to brush something of your shoulders and find out it's the floor.

 

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YooKkyikXw0&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YooKkyikXw0&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>