There was an old man from Madras Who swallowed a packet of seeds The grass grew out of his arse And his balls were covered in weeds
Subject: And thats how the fight started! When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station..... And that's how the fight started... ************************************************************************ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And that's how the fight started... *********************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started... *********************************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started...
Mick bought a new tie last week but had to take it back, it was too tight. Paddy was in trouble with the law - he had stolen a calender. Guess what the judge gave him - 12 months !
BA are offering a new premier service. Breakfast in London, lunch in New York and tea in Los Angeles and your baggage in Frankfurt.
13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff 13. Potential Murder Suspect
The Speech A UN dignitary was visiting a village in a poor African nation. Not certain of his welcome, he made a speech full of glowing terms to the natives gathered there. "I bring you warm greetings from the governance of the United Nations!" he declared, which was duly translated by the interpreter. "Kazanga!" cried the natives. "We wish this beautiful country peace and prosperity!" he continued. "Kazanga!" yelled the natives, even louder. "We hope this will be the beginning of many years of mutual friendship and economic benefit to all nations!" he went on. "Kazanga! Kazanga!" roared the natives. Later, as the dignitary was being escorted around the village by the chief, he commented, "That seemed to go well. They really do like the UN, don't they?" "Uh, watch where you walk," said the chief; "don't step in the kazanga!"
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
The Good Woman Mo and Jo are sitting in boat fishing, drinking beer and chewing tobacco when out of the blue Mo says, âI think Iâm gonn a divorce my wife â¦â¦ she ainât spoke to me in over a month.â Jo thinks about it, sips his beer and says, âBetter think over, friend, women like that are hard to find!â