A man is on his deathbed in the hostpital, he's there talking with his wife. He says to her: "When I die, if you ever get remarried, I want you to get rid of all of my stuff." She asks: "Why do you want me to do that?" He responds: "well, I don't want some asshole using all my stuff when I'm gone." She retorts with "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
Siamese twins sitting at a bar, and who comes in but Julio Eglaises (how old is this joke)??? Anyway, it's getting late, he's getting drunk, and he hits on the girls. He takes them back to the hotel, but first, says his date, she wants him to understand, whatever one twin does, the other experiences. He's loaded, he's with siamese twins - what the fuck. Anyway, at Climax, the other one screams, hollers, blows a noisemaker, rips the sheets, kicks the footboard off the bed, ......... The next year, Julio is back in town, walks in the same bar. The girls are sitting in the corner, and one says to the other..... "Hey! There's Julio Eglaises. Think he'll remember us?"
Keep the jokes coming guys. I'll be back Tuesday, gotta drop off some xtra strength tin foil at ma's.
Just found this one .... Jose and Carlos are panhandlers⦠They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose âI work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?â. Jose says, â¦.. âLook at your sign, what does it sayâ? Carlos sign reads âI have no work, a wife and 6 kids to supportâ. Jose says â No wonder you only get $2-3 dollarsâ Carlos says⦠âSo what does your sign sayâ? Jose shows Carlos his signâ¦â¦It reads, âI only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexicoâ
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007 Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Jeffrey will not be still in class, disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells=2 0Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college. 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die. 2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated; Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
So true !! Option bring back the cane, Alcatraz and none of this 25 years of luxury living on death row. I liked flower power in the 60s BUT really !! Now that they are in power !!