What Nice People A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder and offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After a few minutes, an old man taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. Gradually others join in and the nice gesture is repeated over 30 times. At the end of the trip, the driver asks the first little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. "Oh, we just love the chocolate around them!"
NEVER SAY TO A COP: 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer (OK inTexas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk , are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says 'Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'
Speaking of Cops...Years ago i was at a luncheon at Notre Dame and their head coach at the time was Lou Holtz...he started his little speech to the boosters with this little tid bit: " the other night I was driving home with my wife from Dinner when a Cop pulled me over. He came up to the car and Said " You were speeding coach"..I quickly replied " I was not speeding" The cop said " yes you were, you were doing 10 mph's over the limit" I once again snapped back " NO I WAS NOT" The Cop said " Sir, I have you clock into my Radar speeding"! So i quickly replied " thats Impossible officer I WAS NOT SPEEDING"!!! The cop leaned into the window and asked my wife " is he always this stubborn"? To which my wife replied " Only when he's ben drinking!"
I got pulled over back in the 80's on the way home from the bar, cop said I brought up "dust" I suppose he meant I was a bit close to the curb a couple times. He gave me a sobriety test (no breathalizers in those days) he let me go and my car wouldn't start. Me and my buddy pushed it off the road and walked home. Next morning, police call, "Now what?" I'm thinking. I pushed the car right into a bank drive thru lane and left it there.