Some 7th grade jokes... What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine! What starts with F and ends in UCK? Firetruck!
Join me for Sunday service. Can I get an "Amen"? <object width="450" height="370"><param name="movie" value="http://www.liveleak.com/e/bce_1215886326"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.liveleak.com/e/bce_1215886326" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="450" height="370"></embed></object>
How Life Works Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until your coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on the floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law If you don't feel well and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
A Politician In The Making Whis ball and bat in hand Little Pete walked to home plate in an empty baseball field. As he threw the ball up in the air, he announced, âI am the best ball player ever!â He swung with all his power, but missed. He did the same thing and missed again. He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said âI am the best ball player in the world!â Then he swung and missed again. âWow! He said, waving at the stands. âWhat a pitcher!â
Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. ============================= I was rebuilding a floor, I stood up and one of the lenses popped out of my glasses and fell aprox four feet through the only horizontal crack in the floor which was about one millimeter wider than my lense. Prior to that, the night before I was leaving on a trip, I was putting air in my rear tire and the lense popped out and hit the cement and now there is a small flake type chip. The chip wasn't noticeable once I accessorized with a fake mustache and nose. This lense it not a problem anymore. I was boating and standing on the dock and someone threw the line for me to tie the boat. The line hit me in the face (my glasses were on top of my head, I should have been wearing them) and my glasses fell in deep water. Stay tuned for the contact lense and law of gravity.
Years ago, I was a grad student at the U of Virginia and, feeling very happy, not to mention wanting to impress my girlfriend, made an illegal turn coming out of baskeball game at night: UVA vs UNC, we absolutely killed them by 2 whole baskets I was immediately stopped by a 300 lb, 6:4 traffic cop who pulled me over and took my driver's license and registration; but seeing my name came back and told me that he too was a Greek American, gave me his name (Kostas T) if I ever needed anything, shook my hand, told me to drive carefully and let me go. Fast forward a little over 4 years later, late August in Sourthern Greece where my wife and I were vacationing for the first time, waaay out in the country on a very narrow road that was barely paved, driving at 30 km/hour, with only crickets around... armed men dressed in black uniforms and carrying machine guns, jump out of nowhere and wave us over. A big guy opens my (driver's) door and orders me out. Papers, etc inspection. The Prime Minister was spending a few days at a villa by the sea, just below the road we were on, and they couldn't be more careful. He looked at my driver's licence and gave it back to me smiling: his cousin was also living in Virginia, but sometimes vacationed with him at their common grandfather's house, just over the hill to the east from where we were standing. As a matter of fact he, too, was a cop... You are not talking about Kostas T... I said... are you? Speaking of coincidences !!! The best/worst part of this was that I had to stay with Nikos (the Greek cop) for almost an hour to hear the whole family story. Since there was nothing for them to do (no other unsuspecting cars around) others joined in with their stories too - gave us refreshments, cold water, etc, - they even explained to me why, in detail, their (German designed, Greek manufactured) machine guns were much better than the AK 47s. What were the chances?
Another Greek story. I moved to the beach and met one of my neighbors who said he was from Petersburg Va. He seemed nice enough and so I asked him if he knew my cousin who was an attorney. After that the guy would come down to my house, and on occasion, would stand outside, in my back yard, and call me a (expletive deleted) Greek over and over again. He was an old man with a heart ailment and the police were less than worthless. So I couldn't figure out what to do about it. One day he was out there running his mouth when a tourist came over and told him that if he didn't shut his mouth that he would kick his ass, then and there, and that was enough to stopped the harassment. Shortly after that the old bastard had a stroke and died, thus relieving me of any more grief.
There was a young lady from Crewe Who said as the Vicar withdrew The Bishop is thicker, quicker and slicker And 2 inches longer than you !!