Speaking Of Families There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family, stole from the poor, accused the innocent and preyed on the weak, no one could ever trust him because he never told the truth..." After going on in this vein for a long time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, standing right here, this man was a saint!"
It's Pun Time! It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the most recent International Pun Contest. 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger. 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!' 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.' 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.' 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. And for that reason, for your pun-pleasure, we provide one more: 11. There was acourt jester who would not stop making puns. The king got so mad at him for disregarding his order to stop punning that he sentenced him to death. But later the king relented, because of all the good times that he remembered with the funny jokester. So, he issued a stay of execution *if* the prisoner agreed not to make any more puns. The funny man replied that "no noose is good news" ... and they hanged him...
An Oooooold Story A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic: He kissed her once, and then a second time and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her a few more times, and she kissed him back, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." At which point, her Dad appeared out of nowhere - kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
More Punny Funs I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?