Good Question A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
Fair Is Fair A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. Then, with his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Old Godfather Story The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor her age was the town butcher who was a widower. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar for a very long time, and the butcher, well ,had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, their first Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities for you Gentiles to know). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles for her and her new husband's first sabbath together. Upon arriving home the butcher leaned over to her and said: "My mother Hana told me ,that after the mikvah, and before the lighting the candles, it is good to have sex." So they did. Opon finishing having sex and redressing,she lit the candles. Her new husband upon rejoining her leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it is good to have sex". So she once agin obliged him, her new husband, and they did. They then had their Seder and retired to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, and before she could rise from the bed, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the Synagogue it's good to have sex.". So she once again obliged him and they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest. After resting from the walk home, again he whispers in her ear, 'My grandfather, Moishe, says that after praying it's good to have sex.' So they did. After the Sabbath she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, 'So how is the new husband?' She replied, 'Well, he is not a scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family.'
The Wrong Suggestion A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they each put 20 dollars in the collection plate." So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church...
The Same One John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a big and tall nun suddenly appears, bangs at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My old Mother Superior told me so, many years ago." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that big and tall, drinking Nun again is it?"
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. > > She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. > > > On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a > newspaper. > > Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you > don't mind my > asking, > But how old do you think I am?' > > 'About 32,' is the reply.' > > 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. > > > A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks > the counter girl > The very same question. > > The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' > > The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm > 50.' > > Now she's f eeling really good about herself. She stops > in a drug store > on > Her way down the street. > > She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the > clerk this > Burning question. > > The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' > > Agai n she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank > you!' > > While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man > waiting next > to > Her the same question. > > He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. > Although, when I > was > Young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman > was. > > It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put > my hands > under > Your bra. > > Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you > are.' > > They wait in silence on the empty street until her > curiosity gets the > best > Of her. > > She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' > > He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to > feel around > very > Slowly and ca refully. > > He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches > each nipple. > > He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each > other. > > After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, > okay....How old am > I?' > > He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his > hands, and > says, > 'Madam, you are 50.' > > Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was > incredible, how could you > Tell?' > > The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' > > 'I promise I won't' she says. > > 'I was behind you at McDonalds!
I could find any good bee jokes but I did find a wasp joke. Why did the wasp cross the street? To get to the middle of the road.