*** Admit it guys, YOU looked at your thumb..... Didn't you? *** -------------- Well, I did but not right away. I had my thumb up my ass. Got that bad habit from pa, must run in the family. "Dad, Dad.. what's a matter with you? Got your thumb up your ass?" "C'mere you little Nutmeg, I show you who has a thumb up there ass" And he did.
Some George Carlin stuff: Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Is it true that cannibals donât eat clowns because they taste funny? What was the best thing before sliced bread? One nice thing about egotists: they donât talk about other people. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word âLispâ to have a âSâ in it? Why are hemorrhoids called âhemorrhoidsâ instead of âassteroidsâ? Why is it called tourist season if we canât shoot at them? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Where are we going? And whatâs with this hand basket? If the âblack boxâ flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isnât the whole damn airplane made out of that shit? Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Iâm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. Iâm in shape. Round is a shape. Iâm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Iâve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Ever notice when you blow in a dogâs face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac? You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Sheâs 97 now and we have no idea where she is. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Reconstituted Blonde Joke That fellow walked into a bar he had never been in before and ordered a drink. He then asked the bartender if he enjoyed dumb-jock jokes. The beefy attendant leaned over the bar and fixed a withering glare on his customer. "Listen, buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on the left? They're professional football players. And that huge fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler. That guy in the corner is a champion weight-lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Notre Dame. Now," he continued, "are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your dumb-jock joke here?" "Nah, I guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times..."
"See those two big guys on the left? They're professional football players. ----------------- Yea, I remember those two football players. During tryouts, the coach asked "Can you pass a football?" They looked at each other and said, "Coach, If I can swallow it, I can pass it."
Little old but hey.... Did you hear they finally found twelve jurors who never heard about O.J.? Answer: Twelve of his professors at USC.
I Called a sex hotline advertisement "Hear Me Moan". They played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.
My wife and I like to talk dirty to one another........ "The doctor says I'm big boned. My weight is just right." "Well, it's that big bone in your ass,then. "You're an asshole" "Fuck you, Chubby"
Chubby jokes make the rounds about once a week at my house. You know, they break the silence in the conversation. Instead of saying "What about those Yankee's" I'll say, "waz up with those chubbies" <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/R6_9tbiHLck&hl=en"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/R6_9tbiHLck&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Funniest blonde joke I have seen yet- A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'