This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia. He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia." The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?" Artie answers, "No." The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money." So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?" The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you." Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in." The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar." Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death. In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"
A Suggestion From A Human Resource Manager HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . . 1. Put 1,000 bricks in a large closed room. 2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door. 3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. Then analyze the situation: a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department. b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing. c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering. d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Industry Relations. k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. l. If they are talking to each other about what to do and who should do it, and not a single brick has been moved, put them in Management. m. If they have already gone to the nearest watering hole without touching a brick, congratulate them and put them in Top Management. n. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, get them out of there and send them to Washington: they certainly belong in Congress!
Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his weenie. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk. After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how youse like-a your new parts?" (Cheetah was from Brooklyn) Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear...Arm good...long, strong...but Tarzan not crazy about new weenie... all day long, pickup weeds and stuff up Tarzan's ass."
Difficult Is Worth Doing Ad 19 skydivers will have three minutes and 20 seconds to spell out the word Honda... http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=uIUChm7fJjs&feature=email
Great variation on 'why don't cannibals eat clowns' joke: <img src=http://elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=1961240/>