Advanced Physics Woes Iâm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity - I just canât put it down....
Speaking of books, I'm looking for this one. "The Big Book of Jihad Humor." I got a title down for my new book, it's called. "Escape From the Isle of Beautiful Women"
One day me and Chuck Norris were at the county fair and Chuck wanted to go on the Ferris wheel but I decided not to go, I am afraid of heights. The wheel went round and round and then suddenly the cart that Chuck was seated in falls to the ground, landing at right at my feet. "Are you hurt Chuck?" I cried in a high pitched faggotty squeal. "Of course I am you bitch!" replied Chuck with tears in eyes, "Three times I went round and you didn't wave to me!"
From the files of Dr Stunata Observed male patient who claimed he was Chuck Norris and Pregnant! "So Chuck, You're pregnant" "Yes" "Mnnhhhh. Who do you think the father is?" "Wtf, you think I have eyes in the back of my head?"
THE TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS: 1 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 3 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 4 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 5 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 6 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 7 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 8 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. 9 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody. 10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
100 MORE CHUCK NORRIS FACTS: Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none." Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's sack. When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face. Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King. When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways. Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight. Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two" Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is. Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire. Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger. Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head. Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse. Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?" Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk. Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldnât, he replied, âOf course I can, Iâm Chuck Norris,â and roundhouse kicked him in the face. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesnât work, he plays zombie. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris. Scientists used to believe that diamond was the worldâs hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:59, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. A duckâs quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face. Chuck Norrisâ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. Chuck Norris doesnât believe in Germany.
100 MORE CHUCK NORRIS FACTS, CONT'D: If you want a list of Chuck Norrisâ enemies, just check the extinct species list. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. Chuck Norris doesnât need to swallow when eating food. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot. Ironically, Chuck Norrisâ hidden talent is invisibility. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly âget out of jail freeâ card. Chuck Norris invented water. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, donât be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldnât find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, âalways leave things the way you found em!â One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalkerâs real father. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks. Chuck Norris isnât lactose intolerant. He just doesnât put up with lactoseâs shit. Chuck Norris doesnât eat. Rather he kicks ass until heâs full. Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what âhis wayâ detailed, he replied: âwith barbed wire and nails, of courseâ. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking. Chuck Norris never âgets laidâ, rather: âlaid gets Chuckâ. Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying âthere isnât enough paper in the world to contain my bearded memberâ. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants. Helen Kellerâs favorite color is Chuck Norris Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors. When Chuck Norrisâs wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, âDonât worry about it honey,â and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, âNever question Chuck Norris.â Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane". Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Best Of Chuck Norris Facts: There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. There is no chin behind Chuck Norrisâ beard. There is only another fist. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnât lifting himself up, heâs pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. Chuck Norrisâ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. Chuck Norris doesnât wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.