Q. What do you call a Monkey in a tree? A. A Branch Manager!!! Q. What do you call a Monkey in a garden? A. A Plant Manger!! Q. What do you call a 2,000 pound gorilla? A. Sir
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago? 1. California became a state. 2. The state had no electricity. 3. The state had no money. 4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. 5. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby! had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.' Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.
Diagnosis A man walks into the psychiatristâs office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, âDoc, what is wrong with me? The psychiatrist replies, âYou are not eating properly!â
Speaking of babies with no ears. A guy and his wife enter the hospital and explain to the doctors that she is about to give birth. They take her into a room and a few minutes later, the doctor comes out and tells the guy, "Your baby is OK but it looks like he'll be born without a leg." He goes back into the room and about 20 minutes later he comes back out and says to the guy, "I have bad news, the baby is gonna be born with no legs, no arms and no nose." The guy is very upset but says, "At least he's alive." The doctor goes back into the room. The guy is getting impatient and after about an hour the doctor hears the guy calling him. The doctor back out and says to the guy, "I have very bad news, the baby is just an ear." (Ahahahahahaha now comes the good part.) The guy, who is distraught by now, says almost jokingly, "At least it couldn't get any worse." The doctor then says, "Yes it can, he's also deaf.
Today is International Disturbed People's Day Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.. You hang in there sunshine, you're frigging special.
The old husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely abble to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
The pic has obviously been photoshopped. I can't recall a photo of me without my Trademark Bud can by my side. Ahhh, those were the days.