My girlfriend called and said "Last night was terrific" as I thought about it, I remembered I was home alone.
I had a little glass of wine, turned the lights down........ next thing you know, I'm all over myself. I felt so cheap, but satisfied.
An Investment Banker friend asked me for $500 until payday. I asked "when is payday?" "How should I know, " he said? "You're the one with the job."
At the end of the tax year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles' 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.' 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year they send us a complete dickhead like you..
Told my wife I was gonna give her 10 inches tonight. She said "Sure you will. Two inches, five times!"
Okay really, don't confuse sex with love. And don't confuse your regular coffee for Folgers instant crystals. And please don't confuse the clitoris with a lima bean.
Dear Nutmeg, Is it polite to put on a bib before "going down" on my GF. signed, Nofat chicks Dear Mister Nofat, Bibs with beer logos will get you "in". I would skip the bibs that say "I'm with stupid" unless the lights are out.
I think we entered the Twilight Zone with that one. Nice!!!! What does Mountain Climbing and head from Whoopi Goldberg have in common? Either way, don't look down. Let's just say, if anyone here decides to run for public office, the opposition will visit this thread. "Anything you say will be held against you........." "Heidi Klum". Too bad Seal wasn't gay. There's a great "tight seal" Walrus joke waiting in the wings.
My wife gave me one of those "I'm with stupid" shirts. It was obviously a 'second'; the arrow pointed up.