Jokes 2

Across the street from my house lived an ugly girl named Paprika. She was not only ugly, she was a smarmy little bitch. I never liked her. She smelled like baby food. Strained peas even.

One day, completely unprovoked, she yelled at me from across the street. She yelled;

"Nutmeg is a PEEEEENISSSSS!"

So I yelled back:

"Paprika is a VAGIIINAAAA!"

Remember, I lived in Utah. Mormons have trouble with nasty words like penis and vagina and this was long before anyone ever used these words outside a laboratory. All the neighbors gasped simultaneously causing a great drop in outside air pressure triggering tornadoes and hurricanes and pulling farts out of every butt for miles. Phones began ringing, newspapers were called. Infants ears were filled with Drano to cleanse them of the filth...

Eventually, Jesus Christ himself appeared to my mother and he said unto her:

"Oregano (that was moms name), your son must be punished for his evil deeds. Take him high upon the mountain and smear him with Paul Newmans tomatoe sauce and light him on fire!"

Luckily, my mom never really did follow the letter of the law. Even more lucky still is that there is no such thing as a talking, floating Jesus. I totally made that whole part up.

What really happened is that for some weird reason, my mom thought that I needed to apologize to this ugly cunt. This was totally out of character for my mom. Mom was usually the one telling everyone to relax.


Stay tuned.....

 

Deaf Wife


A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the
problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen
cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'



'Bop, for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!

 

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says...... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

 

Yup! We still like to look. Can't remember why though. And I wear dress socks to bed. I don't know why I do that either.

 

This guy wears no socks....



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This is why polkas died out. Wow.

What agency does she work for, btw?

 

After struggling for many hours deep within the forest of stately hardwoods, the new lumberjack finally quit... He just couldn't hack it.

 

A man who had come out of a complicated abdominal surgery was complaining of having a bump on his head and a terrible headache. The nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operative shock, spoke to the surgeon about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, “don’t worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway into the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”

 

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

 

When a doctor remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “high blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family.”
“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” the doctor asked.
“Neither,” the patient replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.”
“Oh, come now,” said the doctor “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”
The patient sighed. “You oughta meet’em sometime, Doc!”