Not sure if this is funny, maybe this has a moral, "I had your wife for nothing," the drunk said . âYou fool. Iâm her husband, I have to have the ugly bitch. You donât."
Newly weds: âWife, what shall we do, eat or make love?â âWhichever you like; thereâs no food.â â
Janey was walking down North Main Street in Danville. As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage." Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long. "That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once." So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up. "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? - No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean. What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me. What makes you think that? - I got proof. What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
Wives and Husbands and more Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband: "Nothing." Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date." Wife: "Do you want dinner?" Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?" Wife: "Yes and no." Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?" Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?" Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet." Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing." Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap." A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!" Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning." A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
2 sailors go ashore for some fun. Sure enough they have a load of drinks and end up at the whore-house ! First sailor who is rich gets THE most expensive whore there. Second sailor has dropped his wallet somewhere and has to admit he only has 10 cents in his pocket. The madam shouts up the stairs = Alfred - grease the cat's ars*hole !!
More Airline Humor All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane." 3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone, loud voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, Lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills Every day. Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 Kids to support". Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to Move back to Mexico."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he says, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, "she replies. . . " "You just happened to catch my eye."