nyuk nyuk nyuk I heard that, when I was a kid, those were the faces I made when I crapped my pants. I'm almost there again. Whoo, whooo whoo whooo whooo.
and to paraphrase Sam Kinneson: We know Jesus wasnt' married (inspite of those Discovery Channel shows and movies). Imagine, telling your wife on a Friday your going out with your friends, you're gone for three days, and when you come home, your excuse was, you were dead.
Just when you think there's no justice. A news article from a Florida Newspaper: "When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was a "generic white cardboard box filled with grayish-white powder." (That, at least, is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it looked similar to cocaine, and they probably thought they had hit the big time." Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars, "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago." Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note. It said, "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
Top 10 easter bunny pickup lines... Ever done it on a pile of artificial grass? Ever get it on with a rodent? I contributed some fur to Letterman's hairpiece. I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips. I'll show you where Easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised! I'm being managed by Don King again. I'm in the mood to multiply. My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky. There's an Easter parade in my pants ... wanna go? You're not Jewish, are you?
Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny 10. Shows up wearing the costume head and nothing else. 9. Reeks of tequila and Easter egg dye. 8. Immediately asks if he can have Easter off. 7. Refuses to hop because it aggravates his double hernia. 6. For an extra 20 bucks, parents can buy an ounce of his special "Easter grass". 5. Only gives the kids candy after they attend his presentation on the time-share condos. 4. Keeps muttering something about "infidels" and "jihad". 3. Costume is made from animal skin he scraped off the interstate. 2. Habitually licks and grooms himself. 1. The enormous ears? Steroids.
(Another) Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny 10. Costume is made from rabbits he hit on the interstate 9. Not really a hop -- more of a drug impaired stumble 8. Before kids get candy they have to sit through a presentation about timeshare condos 7. Keeps saying, "Jesus? No doesn't ring a bell..." 6. He's been wearing the suit since November 5. Easter basket is filled with menthol cigarettes 4. Hides five eggs and the body of a drifter 3. He's wearing a yarmulke 2. Tells you for an extra thousand bucks he won't rat you out to the New York Post 1. He disappears for hours with Whitney Houston
Found this one while looking too... Top Ten Things Overheard in a G.E. Research Lab 10. "Wow! Look at that stuff burn!" 9. "I keep forgetting, which is AC and which is DC?" 8. "Are you crazy? Do you know how much a recall would cost?" 7. "Whoops!" 6. "Watch what happens when I toss these bolts into the turbine." 5. "This is the episode where they almost get off the island." 4. "What we save on the radiation shielding, we can put into advertising." 3. "The new guy develped a new long-lasting, inexpensive filament. Kill him." 2. "The squid is no longer responding to the mind control! AAIIEEEEEE!" 1. "Here comes the tour group. Put your pants on."