Best in a while. I'm a simple kinda guy. Larry the Cable Guy tipped the girl with Monopoly money. (I highly suggest you not try this in real life. Bouncers hit very hard). The girl says, "Hey, this is fake money." And he said, "Well, they's fake titties. Real Titties, real money." And people thing America is in decline. Fuck them, and pass the Copenhagen.
A man went to a shoe-shop to buy shoes. He put many pairs on his feet. Finally, he was satisfied. "At last," he said, "I have found a pair of shoes that fit me." "I am not surprised," replied the weary salesman, "They are your own shoes."
Father is reading American Hedge Fund to his son to send him to sleep. "Daddy," interrupts the wide-awake youngster, "When CYGT changed from a pumpkin into a golden carriage, what did Timmay declare on his tax return - extra income or capital growth?"
My friend Phil in Dallas (2nd row, 3rd from right (photo) ) is dismayed by the choices in the Texas Democratic primary today. "One of them is a Nut with two boobs. The other is a Boob with two nuts."
The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, Ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, sauce, chili, harps, halos, and such, Saint Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natchos) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of timeâ¦) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-Self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the Pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together.
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Well, she ate all 'er corn But wouldn't touch the liver Hit the bar-r-r-r-r-r-r hit the bar-r-r-r-r-r-r hit the bar-r-r-r-r-r-r Cuz Vodka, makes my private parts shiver. That guy had the smallest guitar I've ever seen.
More classic country If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If My Nose Were Full of CYGT, I'd Blow It All On You If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine I Plead Insanity, Cuz I'm Crazy Over You If She Ain't Good Enuf Fer Her Kin, She Ain't Good Enuf Fer Me (Based on Joke of Same) Why Play Possum When I'm a Lovin' You?