Jokes 2

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gwb-trading, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. Yannis


    #11     May 1, 2007
  2. Yannis



    Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
    "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
    "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
    Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
    "You mean a rose?"
    "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

    :) :) :)
    #12     May 2, 2007
  3. Yannis


    Another Great Oldie - Words Women Use

    1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome, or else you'll have to wait for a long time for the next one.

    8.) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying GET OUT OF HERE!

    9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

    :) :) :)
    #13     May 2, 2007
  4. Yannis


    Where to Live After Retirement

    You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

    2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

    3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

    5. You know that " dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

    6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

    You can Live in California where...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

    6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

    You can Live in New York City where...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

    3. You think Central Park is "nature,"

    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

    5. You've worn out a car horn.

    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You can Live in Maine where...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You can Live in the Deep South where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

    2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

    3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

    4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

    You can live in Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You can live in the Midwest where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

    AND You can live in Florida where..
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

    5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people...

    :) :) :)
    #14     May 2, 2007
  5. Yannis


    Golden Wedding Anniversary

    At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay happily married to the same woman all these years.

    Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a date I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!

    The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

    Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her..."

    :) :) :)
    #15     May 2, 2007
  6. Lucrum


    A Modern Parable

    A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors)
    decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced
    long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
    On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
    GM very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
    reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
    management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
    Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
    steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person
    Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a
    consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second
    opinion. They advised, of course , that too many people were steering the
    boat, while not enough people were rowing.
    Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
    another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
    superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
    They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

    The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
    Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
    performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
    canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was
    distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing
    team was out-sourced to India .
    #16     May 2, 2007
  7. After the Great Britian Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senior, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
    Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The
    bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" ...and the Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
    #17     May 2, 2007
  8. #18     May 2, 2007
  9. Just in case you don't understand how a "Government" program works, here is an example:

    "The Night Watchman"

    The government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of the desert.

    Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

    So they created a Night Watchman position and hired a person at $18000 per year.

    Then Congress said, "How does the Night Watchman do his job without instruction?"

    So they created a Planning Department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions for $22000 per year, and one person to do time studies for an additional $22000 per year.

    Then Congress said, "How will we know the Night Watchman is doing the tasks correctly?

    So they created a Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies for $31000 per year and one to write the reports for an additional $31000 per year.

    Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?

    So they created the following positions, a Time Keeper for $35,000 annual salary, and a
    Payroll Officer for an additional $35,000, and hired two people.

    Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

    So they created an Administrative Section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer at $155,000 per year, Assistant Administrative Officer at $125,000 per year, and a Legal Secretary for an additional $100,000 per year.

    Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year with a budget cost of $574,000.00 and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."

    #19     May 2, 2007
  10. :D :D :D I like that "Night Watchman" LOL

    #20     May 2, 2007