The Scientist And The Farmer A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don''t know either!"
The Show A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. "If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. At that point, a man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for $1,000, which the man agrees to. He hands over the frog and the buyer pays and goes away as fast as he can. "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "Just $1,000? You could have made a fortune off that frog!." "Can you keep a secret?" whispers the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist!!"
Oprah Winfrey c/o O Magazine Harpo Production 100 Michigan ave Chicago, Ill, 10018 His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI St Peters Basilica Vatican City Italy Bono The Clarencee Hotel Dublin CYGT SW7 N2 Ireland Ladies and gentleman, You donât know me and it is unlikely you would ever to seek to, but I am a rich and handsome man and I have made a huge investment whose profit depends on the decline of a stock whose issuing firm is central to the stability of global financial markets. I am sending you this letter to garner publicity for my point of view, which I hope will be an effective method to personal wealth and success. Further, the timing of this letter is no accident: I am sending it to you on the eve of the said companyâs critical capital raise, the failure of which would aid my cause greatly. Because of arcane law designed with the good intent to protecting investors (the quiet period) , the company will have no opportunity to refute the allegations in the public domain, which leaves me free to post this letter to all the major newswires and conduct pithy and insubstantial interviews with Tennis Players, Maria, Pissanti, et. al. the leading âfinancial journalistsâ that dominate the TV screens in the trading rooms of all the major financial centers of the day. Regards Timmay
Let's see how we do with original captions. The longer the primaries go on, the more captions should eminate from this gem..... <img src=http://elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=1801335/>
HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious i f they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee , do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Clo set Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover -up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: An Astaire i s a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This per son could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.