A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
An old seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "Howâd you get the eye patch?" "A seagull shit in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she´s touched there. So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they´ll close the curtains for privacy. Anything is worth a try, the husband thinks so he finally agrees and goes into his wife´s room. After a few minutes the woman´s monitor shows a flatline... no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, -* "I think she choked."
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"..............Half the women stood up. "No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?" Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Corporate Life #45 A Man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a monkey. The shop owner pointed out three identical monkeys and said, "The monkey to the left costs 500 dollars." Why does that monkey cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about the next monkey on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other monkey can do, plus it knows how to use the LINUX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third monkey. "That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I don't know, I've never seen him doing anything, at least nothing useful, but the other two call him boss!"
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief and applauds. Sam Wilson, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,...."If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause, Gigi Brown, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Brown, whatever possessed you to say that?" Gigi's 90 year old husband Bop is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked Bop how we could help and he said, Screw the Preacher!'."