English Language It's a wonder we ever learned this language! Reasons why the English language is hard to learn: 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18. After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? Or, goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. ENGLISH was invented by people, not by computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which is, of course, not a race at all...) That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Hotterdanhell It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer." "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked. Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
On one of the city streets an open-top garbage truck was making pickups of newspapers and boxes. It was a windy day. The driver and his helper, who were both black, were trying to keep everything from blowing all over the place. The driver said to his assistant, "Why don't you jump up on top of the truck and spread out your arms and legs, and maybe that'll hold down the boxes from blowing out." The assistant complied. Two old Jewish ladies were in an upstairs apartment. One was looking out the window of her bedroom at the street below. As the truck progressed down the street one of the old ladies said, "Sarah, come here! Look - they're throwing away a prefectly good schvatzer!"
(I might have posted some of these before, but what the hell. It's still funny the 2nd time around.) A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife responded, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The Wife answers, "No, you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee." Husband replies incredulously, " I can't believe that, show me." So she gets the Bible, and opens to the Bible and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
3 engineers were having lunch on a park bench one afternoon. A mechanical, an electrical and a civil engineer. They were arguing over what type of engineer God was. The mechanical engineer said "Well, God was definitely a mech engr. Look at the human body; it's an incredible work of levers, muscle, tendons and all sorts of mechanics." The electrical engineer said, "No way. God was definitely an elec eng. Look at the nervous system, brain and spinal cord. What an elegant blend of electrical signals and impulses." They both looked to the civil engineer who reluctantly stated, "Hell, NO WAY God was a civil engineer! If he was he would had never placed the Sanitation department so close to Parks & Recreation!"
Somebody stole a bridge: http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080218/od_afp/czechpolicecrimeoffbeat_080218175128 Check out the picture.
I cooked my wife a chicken. She said the stuffing was really unusual. She asked me what did I stuff the chicken with. I said I didn't have to stuff it, it wasn't empty.
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