Barry Switzer was upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing record, so he decided to learn Steve Mariucci's secret. Switzer travelled to a 49er practice and asked Mariucci, "Coach, why is your team so good? What's your secret?" To answer Switzer, Mariucci called Steve Young over. "Steve," he asked, "Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Young answered, "That's easy. It's me." Then, Mariucci turned to Switzer and said, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback." Thinking he finally had all the tools he would need, Switzer returned to Texas and the Cowboy workout. Promptly, he called over Troy Aikman, asking him, "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Troy looked perplexed, thought a minute and asked, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?" Disgusted, Switzer said, "OK." During practice, Aikman talked to Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Sanders told him, "Duh! That's easy. It's me!" After practice, Aikman caught up with Switzer, "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders." Angrily, Switzer said, "No, No, no! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!!!"
Not many of you may know this but I am Treasurer of our "Mental Disease of the Month Club. For the second year in a row I've noticed during multiple personality month, our club roster roughly tripled in size with no increase in dues. Then during paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped to zero as each member changed his or her mailing address and left no forewarding address for the club. Our members are obviously going to ruin this club. It took all my remaining personal savings to track them down and tell them to "Have a nice day" during Clinical Depression Month.
You forgot to mention the month when everybody forgot to wipe their ass....alzheimer month....remember? Probably had too much shit going on to remember...
Speaking of too much shit going on, I went to the Home Depot to pick up a plunger, I was trying it out on the floor a few times an "associate" came by and inquired "Sir, may I ask how many bathrooms you have?" I said, "I got two". He said, "Sir, you need a minimum of seven plungers." Wtf? I just stared at him. Far off, I think I heard a dog bark. I said, "Okay, let's hear your pitch." He said that if a guy was living his life right, he should be going through plungers like toothpicks. He said that my plungers would be witnesses to all the events in my life, the good and the bad, the marriages, the birthdays, the divorces. A whole new life revolving around secure plumbing. He painted a picture for me of my grateful and glowing wife standing giddy and perhaps even mildly aroused by the sight of her big bad hunter husband coming home with seven new plungers. I mean, I knew it was crap but that's not the point. I mean, here I was watching a guy hard selling me on seven plungers. I just looked at him and said, "Sell me, you beautiful bastard, sell me"! I let him get me up to six, then I said, "That's it, come one, give me a break, I'm only one guy." You want to know how he sold me the seventh? By giving me number eighth for free. Ahh,he was good. Eight plungers?! What the hell was I thinking? Still.....
A mailman walked down the street and saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit, had it between his fingers and smeared over his body. The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said, "Making a Mailman". This pissed the mailman off, he went up the street and saw a fireman. He told the fireman what the boy was doing and what a smart ass the kid was, the fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy. The fireman walked up to Little Johnny and asked him what was he doing playing in pile of shit, Johhny looked up and said, "Making a Fireman." This pissed the fireman off, he left to tell a cop. The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy. The cop asked Little Johnny, "What are you doing, playing with a pile of shit?" Little Johnny looked up and said nothing. The cop said, "You told the mailman and the fireman that you were making a fireman and a mailman, why don't you tell me that you are making a cop." Little Johnny looked up and without a grin said, "I ain't got enough shit".