One day a really skinny man was walking along when he met a really fat man.The fat man said, "Looks like you've been in a famine." So the skinny man said, "Looks like you caused it." yea yea yea, I know it's lame, I'm trying for lift off, a warm up, so to speak.
Old burlesque,,,, "mister, how about a hand. I ain't tasted food in three days." "Don't worry. It still tastes the same." Or the bum in Reno. "Hey pal. how about five bucks soes I can get sumtin to eat. ".. "Bullshit. You'll go gamble it away." "I GOT gamblin' money. I need something to eat."
I was in the barber, and when he finished he said do you want to see the back of your head? I said, no no, I will never see it anyways. But as I was leaving I saw in a mirror there was a huge custard pie stuck to it.
Monkey business Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! That's kind of how the stock market works.
Another Lame One A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had..." "Oh my God, what do you have?" "50 cents!"
I told a friend of mine Heather McCartney was representing herself in court against Sir Paul. He said she didn't have a leg to stand on.
Here's Another Oldie While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the se nator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted!"
I'm not kidding. It's real. She is going to represent herself. Sorta like Pee Wee Herman. In Sarasota, the Porn Theater episode. He never got a lawyer...... Knew he could get himself off.