This is a true story. We were driving to Richmond one day and I asked my kids, who were 4 and 5 at the time, what you called a person who drives that, "a transfer trailer truck". My daughter replied, " a no good son of a bitch".
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.' Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!' The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?' 'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?' 'Yes.' 'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?' 'Yes.' 'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, ' I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.' 'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for an other year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.' Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,'How much for some pussy?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?' 'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?' 'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a vagina'
I never go to WMT, but I just did because I had to....... But the best I ever heard was Larry the Cable Guy who said, "......you think the prices are low, check out the forehead on the cashier."
I'll tell you how I lost my job as a waiter. I was working in an Polish restarant in the small village of Crotchiteria. Being not too bright, I didn't always go with the maxim that the customer was alweays right, and I hated it when customers looked down on me as being 'only' a waiter. Consequentley I sometimes, just sometimes liked to get back at people. But this one time a customer rudley clicked their fingers to get my attention, I wandered over to the table, look genuinley concerned about my 'customer", bent over to gain eye contact and then with a smile I whispered in the customers ear so that no one else could hear 'It takes more than two fingers to make me come sir' and then I walked away ....... Well you can figure out the rest.
Remember the time that guy chewed you out for having your thumb in the soup, the mashed potatoes, then the coffee? And when he asked you why, you said you had an absess, and the Doc told you to keep it warm and wet? Then, when he asked you why you didn't keep it up your ass, you told him you did, when you were in the kitchen. That was your last nite, as I remember.
From lemons to lemonada. Right after I was diagnosed with MPD (multiple personality disorder) I had a t shirt made up that said âWe are not responsible for lost or stolen itemsâ Now I can take stuff and nobody is able to stop me.
I'm still thinking about a Polish Restaurant. "Dear, do you want to eat Polish or English tonight?" I guess that would depend on how you like your Animal Entrails. I was a t a brunch last week, and on the carving table they had tongue. If you eat tongue, does it taste you as you taste it? If your Grandparents are with you in the carving line, is it acceptable to ask, "Hey, Grandma. You want a little tongue?" Why would anybody in the Western world, where obestity is de rigeur, eat tongue? Is it like, "you know, these dorritos, cokes, steaks, chops and deserts just didn't fill me up. Lets roast the tongue." I guess I can see it in Early 20th Century Eastern Europe, but they used to wipe their ass with corn cobs, and we're over that. Let's ditch the tongue. Tripe, sweetbreads, ok. But ditch the tongue.
What do you call an 80 year old Navy Veteran? A Salt with a Dead Weapon. Katie Couric reportedly asked a Marine Sniper what he felt when he killed a Terrorist. He replied, " a slight recoil". Two blondes are talking. One says when she blows her husband, she noticed his balls were cold. Did she notice same? She replied," oooooo. I would never put Charlies' thing in my mouth. That's just gross." "Well", says her friend. "You'd better, or he'll be looking else where." Next time the geniuses meet, one had a big shiner. "My God, what happened?" "Well", says the latter of the two. I was performing oral sex for the first time on Charlie, like you said, and I mentioned that your husband's balls were always cold...................."
Then there's the story of the man who went to a Greek restaurant and asked for any of their special dishes. The chef suggested fried lamb's tongue. The man promptly made a disgusted face: "I would never eat something that comes out of an animal's mouth!!" he exclaimed. The chef looked at him with that characteristic philosophical pity and shook his head with compassionate understanding. "Then," he counter-offered, "how about a feta omelette?"