How can you tell when the stage is level? When the guy playing the skin flute has cum drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
You bastards make fun of that poor woman, and she's dependant on a machine for life support. A refridgerator.
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was a goddess and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke . 5.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe . 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!! 18 Procrastinate Now! 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts. Do You Want Fries With That? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken . 24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music . 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're a fuckin' asshole!"
A few presidential thoughts and slogans. How about: "Leave me the fuck alone" "Don't do me no favors" "Hey, that's my money and you can't have it" "Go be black somewhere else" "I'll give you something to cry about Bitch" "Really, if you elect me, I can't get jack shit done, never have never will" Free Health care, fuck that, I want free tires, yes yes, 4 free tires for everyone, this'll get the economy rolling.
Seriously though, people could afford health care if the gov't wasn't sucking us dry in every other dept.
Caught this error on a Nigerian craveaot emptour. "Stock prices are delayed 15mn, but we used real time cotations to match the time you enter your ordres" I like it. Cotation is going to be my next yahoo handle. I can just hear Jesse Jackson now, "We need the transmorgification of our cotation to bring back law and ordres".