aye, had a chinese cookie, this was inside my fortune cookie. "When you were a child, you were smaller, and therefore less of a waste of space."
While in the car on the way to my grandparents' house with my parents, we passed through Greensboro, NC. I casually announced that I had a friend from school that is from there and "he constantly refers to it as the G-Spot." I was so spaced out that it took about 10 seconds of awkward silence for me to realize what just came out of my mouth.
A husband asks his wife, "You never argue when I get mad at you. How do you always control your anger?" "I clean the toilet." "How does that help?" "I use your toothbrush."
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20! year s old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, ' Well y our Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned'. 'Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.' 'Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.' 'BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED!!'
"Well if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you be stupid enough to do it too?" Probably not again, ma. Well at least not until the water warms up some.
I grew up very sheltered with a very protective mother and father. I was very innocent and did not know very many curse words or "dirty" slang. Therefore, as a young teenager I thought the word "dildo" meant stupidity. One day, my mom dropped something in the kitchen and I said, "Nice going, dildo." Mom was very shocked and stood there with an open mouth for a few seconds before saying, "Nutmeg! Don't say that!" I realized that I might have the defination all wrong and says, "Why not?" Moms says, "I'm not sure, but I think that's something very bad. I'll have to check with your father." Mom checks and comes back says to me the next day. "Your father and I agree that you should not be saying that word anymore. Its not nice."
The Two Friends Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, ''For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'' Bill replied, ''I've been in jail." ''Jail?'' cried Sam. ''You?! What on earth for?'' ''Well,'' Bill said, ''you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'' ''Yes,'' said Sam, ''I remember her. What about her?'' ''Well, one day she asked me for a lot of money and because I wouldn't give it to her she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. Then the judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"
Chickens And Politics John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets," and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!