Maybe A Repeat, But Still Very Funny These 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos from around the country: #15 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through" #14 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." #13 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #12 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #11 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because, that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #10 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #9 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" #8 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #7 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #6 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." #5 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS.... #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...Sign here."
Cruel, Very Cruel A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline for advice. The Psychic tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young female who will want to hold you and learn everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her near where I live or at a party?" "No, no," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
This is like when, thirty years ago, you'd see a mustard colored AMC Gremlin go down the road, and you 'd think, "now who the fuck would walk into a dealer and say, 'that one. I've got to have that one. I like it'" . There's something for everybody.
My wife told me she dreamed that I gave her a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. She says to me what do you think that means? So for Valentines Day I bought her a book "The Meaning of Dreams". Maybe she'll figure it out.
There was an article on MSN yesterday about the "top 10 things you should never say to a woman." I think we should expand on that a bit and include things you should not DO. After many years of marriage I feel I have vast knowledge on the subject, so I'll start. My wife used to ask me if I thought a particular woman was attractive. So one day, she is watching TV at home. I happen to have the beginnings of a boner and am making my way towards her. Coincidentally, she asks me if the chick on TV is hot (she was) and being quick on my feet, I immediately drop my pants and start wacking the TV with my dick. While I thought it was pretty damn hilarious, the feeling was not mutual. My attempt at sex that day failed. Looking on the bright side, she has never asked the question again...
Haha...I could just imagine the look on her mom's face. She's one of those die-hard bible thumpers. She's hated me from day 1. OK here's another one: You guys all know not to answer the age-old "do you think I've gained weight" question. Well, remaining completely silent with your eyes wide open and shifting from side to side, doesn't help either.