Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the hood. The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross." So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car.
A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?" The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!
True Story from Houston Medical Center: A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. Yes, his penis. According to the attending nurse, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. 3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. And how was your day?
Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.' Michael's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.' Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer Says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......',then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, 'Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?' With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk tended to wear very short skirts and thongs. One day a young man came into the store, glanced at the clerk and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely said to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she cames down the ladder, he said that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what is going on. Thinking quickly, he ordered a loaf of raisin bread so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer was asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down. After many trips, she was tired, irritated and thinking she was really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she was up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stopped and fumed, glaring at the men below. She noticed an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hadn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yelled at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a twitching a mite..."