A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
The postman comes to the door to deliver the day's mail. The woman meets the postman at the door and he says, "After 25 years, I'm retiring today. This is my last delivery." The woman says, "I know, I've got a few gifts for you. Please come in." When he comes in, she takes him to the kitchen where he sees a full table of bacon, eggs, pancakes, fresh coffee and danish. He has the best breakfast he's ever had. After breakfast, she takes him to her bedroom and they have mad, passionate sex. Afterwards, she hands him a $20 bill. He's astonished and says, "This has been the best morning of my life but why all of this for me?" She says, "I asked my husband what I should do for your last day and he said, "fuck the postman, give him $20."The breakfast was my idea!
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen. They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night. The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.” The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.” The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there. “So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.” The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn. The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there. “So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.” The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.” The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.
A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door; "Darling can you check the shower?" He replies, "I'm not a plumber." She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced." "I'm not a carpenter." She asks about the issue with her car, "Can you check my car then? The oil may need a change." "I'm not a mechanic!" He returns home from work and she informs him, "The neighborhood handyman came by. He fixed everything up so you won't have to." "Oh really? Did he charge anything?" "He gave two options. I sleep with him or bake him a cake." "Haha! So did you bake him the cake?" The wife laughs, "I'm not a baker!"
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?" The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town." The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?" The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad." The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant." The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Since being retired, I have made it a practice to volunteer at our nearby elementary schools. Near the end of the recent school year I met with a 4th grade class for "history hour", where the weekly subject was U.S. states. To start off I asked them how many states they could name. The students came up with about 40 names. I told them that in my day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states".