Why are you Crying........................... When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is? The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again'! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'! The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens'! The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say'? The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of The night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol! "Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. "If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers,” she said. “That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.” With that, she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I can’t get into your panties!” She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes.”
A guy really hated his wife’s tomcat. One day, when his wife left for work, he decided he was finally getting rid of it. He put the cat in a bag, drove to the nearby forest, and released it. When he returned home, the cat was sitting in front of the door, waiting to be let in. The guy was really annoyed but decided to wait a few more days. When his wife left for work again, once more he put the cat in a bag, drove farther away from home this time, and released it. He came home… and shortly after him, the cat came home too and started meowing in front of the door to be let in. At that time, the dude was already furious but he waited a few more days. When his wife left for work again, once more he put the cat in a bag, and this time he drove 10 km straight, 20 km to the left, 15 km to the right, then straight, then right, then left, then right, left, straight, left, right… After more than 200 km he stopped and released the cat. In the evening, the home phone rang. The wife was already back from work, so she picked it up. On the other side was her husband. “Oh, honey, it’s you?!” she exclaimed in dismay. “Where are you??” The man was absolutely fuming and could barely speak. “Is the cat at home?” he asked through clenched teeth. “Yes,” his wife replied. “He just came home five minutes ago. Why?” “Put the cat on the phone! I got lost!!”