Last night I farted in bed. Really foul. When the wife complained through her choking, I used that old playground chestnut, "who smelt it, delt it". It didn't help matters.
James Bond gets killed on his last mission and MI6 are desperately looking for a replacement to fill his shoes. Word goes out to the navy, army, RAF and SAS for them to send over their ‘best of the best’ so they can be put through a series of tests, to see who could fit the bill. On the big day, hundreds of men turn up to be tested, all wanting to prove themselves worthy to be called 008. Anyway, after being put through loads of gruelling and physically demanding tests, all but 3 were eliminated, one English man, one Scottish man and one Irish man. The 3 of them are told that they have just one more test to perform, and this will decide who gets the position. They call in the English man first. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, ”This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door” The English man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, “That’s my wife in there! Surely you don’t expect me to kill my own wife!” The coordinator replies, “It’s a simple order. If you can’t do it, then your not the man we’re looking for!” With that, the English man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff. The coordinator then called in the Scottish man. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, ”This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door” The Scottish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, “That’s my wife in there! Surely you don’t expect me to kill my own wife!” The coordinator replies, “It’s a simple order. If you can’t do it, then your not the man we’re looking for!” With that, the Scottish man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff. Next it’s the Irish man’s turn. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, ”This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door” The Irish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. The coordinator, listening behind the door, hears several gun shots. Then there is a moment of silence, followed by a loud commotion of shouting, fighting, banging and crashing. Eventually the Irish man walks out, covered in cuts and bruises, and quietly hands the gun back to the coordinator. “What the hell happened in there?” asks the coordinator. The Irish man replies, “Some joker loaded the gun with blanks, so I had no choice but to beat her to death.
A tip for you married men. If your wife, in a loving mood, asks you what your secret sexual fantasy is. Telling her the one you have about her younger sister bending over in skimpy panties is not the one to use.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big departmentstore looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After thestore was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"