A very rich man was on his death bed and called together his three trusted advisors, his priest, his doctor, and his attorney. He told them that he knew he could take his wealth with him when he died. To prove it, he gave each one $500,000 in cash and told them to put it in an envelope and place it in his coffin at his funeral. After the funeral the three of them went out for a drink and started to talk about the strange request their friend made. The priest said that he knew that he could not take with him and the church needed a new roof. He said, “I got the roof repaired and had $100,000 left and that was the amount he put in the envelope.” The doctor said that he also knew that his friend could not take it with him and said, “the children's hospital needed $450,000 to finish building the new wing so I only had $50,000 dollars, and left the that amount in the envelope. My friend will never know and think about all the good that the hospital will do.” The attorney said, “I am ashamed of both of you. You violated the trust that our friend placed in us. I put in a check for the full amount.”
A handsome young priest got a crush on a very pretty nun. She returned the crush. So one night, the priest sneaked into the convent and the two of them went at it. But the Mother Superior heard something and went to investigate. The priest had to make run for it out the window while the nun hastily returned to her room. The next morning, the Mother Superior assembled all of the nuns with an announcement. “Last night, there was a disturbing incident. We found a man’s clothing in the laundry room!” There’s a collective gasp from all the nuns and a giggle from one nun. “We found a used condom among the man’s clothing!” There’s a collective gasp from all the nuns and a giggle from one nun. “There was a hole in the condom!” All of the nuns start giggling and one nun lets out a gasp.
“My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which, without missing a beat the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Three men are applying for a position as a police detective. They are all being interviewed on the same day. The chief calls in the first applicant and says “Before we hire you, you have to pass a little test. I’m going to show you a photograph of a suspect; you tell me something about them based on their photo.” So the chief hands the first applicant a photo. The applicant studies it for a moment, then says “Easy, the suspect only has one eye!” The chief, puzzled, looks at the photo, then says “Are you crazy?! This is a profile picture! Of course you can only see one of his eyes! Get out of here!” So the chief calls in the second applicant and gives him the same photo. The applicant says “The suspect only has one ear!” The chief blows up “Has nobody ever heard of a profile picture! Get out of here!” He calls in the third applicant and says “Now, before you say anything, I want you to think very carefully… what can you tell me about this suspect?” The third applicant studies the photo intensely for a few moments, then says “This man wears contact lenses.” The chief is taken aback. He excuses himself and goes to look at the suspect’s file, where he is pleasantly surprised to discover that the suspect does wear contact lenses. He returns to the interview room and says “You’re right…but how could you tell from this photo that the suspect wears contact lenses?” The applicant replies: “Well, he can’t wear regular glasses since he only has one eye and one ear!”
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!