A joke to think about: An American orchestra was touring Europe when the conductor suddenly came down with an illness. If wasn't a major disease, but he'd be unable to perform for a week or so. The orchestra had several concerts scheduled for that week, and they didn't want to cancel, and the management couldn't find a replacement on such short notice, so the operations manager asked the orchestra if anyone was willing to try conducting for a few days. The last chair violist stood up and said he'd give it as try. And so he did, and the concerts went very well. Now understand, the violist had done nothing with regarding the selection of the program, or with rehearsing it, he just stood at the front and conducted. So he was only doing a part of the conductor’s job, but everyone, management, audience, critics, concertmaster, et al, all agreed he did a marvelous job. But by the end of the week the regular conductor was feeling better and was ready to resume his role. So at the next concert he was back in his place, last chair of the viola section. And when he sat down, his stand partner looked at him and said “where the hell have you been?”
A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realizes he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender, "Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?" The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive." So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff. The bartender is speechless. "Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer." The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again. "Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?" The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then." The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears. "Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it." In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business. "I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant." "Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog. "Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!" "Nah," says the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS JOKE?