A Scottish couple took in a young woman as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said. The woman agreed to have a bath outside the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his dart match, she heated the outside tub and watched the woman get undressed. She was surprised to see she didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next Monday when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday while the woman again got undressed and was getting into the tub, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" “No," she replied. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl how generously endowed she was in the hair department. The lodger finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night when the husband came in his wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the heck did you have to show her yours?” “Why so upset? You’ve seen it for years,” she answered. “Aye,” he replied. “But the darts team hadn’t!”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman. She told me I was arrested under suspicion of being good in bed. After two minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone... yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you... can't wait to see you... we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote... The note said: "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
A woman sits next to a priest on a plane. "Father," she says, "may I ask you a favor?" He replies: "Gladly, if I can, my daughter." "So you know I bought a very expensive and particularly good lady's razor, but it's brand new and now I'm afraid I'll have to pay a lot of duty on it at customs. Could you maybe hide it under your robe?" "I can, my daughter, but I must warn you: I cannot lie!" "Well," the woman thinks, "it'll work out somehow," and she hands him the razor. At the airport, the customs officer asks the priest if he has anything to declare. "Nothing from the head to the middle!", assures the priest. Somewhat amazed, the customs officer asks: "And from the middle down?" "Down there," says the priest, "I have a device for ladies that has never been used." The customs officer laughs out loud and calls out: "The next one, please."
Upon reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him... As the man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee, the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, @#%!" The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot... but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts... "And get me another whisky, you ugly @#%!" Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach... "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee @#%!... " "I expect you to get it for me right now, so I don't have to see that disgustingly, hideous face of yours anymore!" The next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says... "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy @#%!"