Paddy and Mick, wanted to go back to school, so they enrolled at the local college and met with the dean of admissions. Paddy is called in first. Dean: - Well, I got the standard general education courses for you this coming semester, such as science and English. I've also signed you up for a course called Logic." Paddy - "What's Logic?" Dean - "Oh, well it's very simple. First, I need to ask you: do you own a lawnmower?" Paddy - "Yes." Dean - "Since you have a lawnmower, logic would then follow that you have a yard." Paddy - "Wow, that's amazing!" Dean - "And since you have a yard, I'd logically deduce that you own a home." Paddy - "Amazing" Dean - "And since you have a home, someone has to take care of it so logically, I'd conclude that you have a wife." Paddy: "Oh, my sweet Mary, that's wonderful!" Dean - "And since you have a wife, I'd logically conclude that you're heterosexual." Paddy is ecstatic, thanks the dean and goes back into the hall where Mick is waiting and talks to him excitedly about the upcoming classes. Paddy - "That dean in there's got a heap of classes for us, including one called Logic." Mick - "What the fecking hell is Logic?" Paddy - "Aw, it's real simple. First, I gotta ask ya Mick, do you own a lawnmower?" Mick - "No." Paddy - "Yer queer, ain't ya?"
I couldn't afford an ancestry DNA kit so I just announced that I had won the lottery. I soon found out who all my relatives are...
A taxi cab picks up a nun. The nun enters the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring. The nun asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you". "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy of having a nun kiss me. "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping in sorrow. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK! My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!