At a wedding reception someone yelled "All married people please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living". The bartender was almost crushed to death...
If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive...
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'. 'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'
Teacher: I have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in my other hand, so what do I have? Student: Kermit the Frog begging for mercy.