A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented and they were married, and they went on their honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on his towel. “That was incredible," his new bride gushed. He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion." "You see? I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.” So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. “That was incredible! beamed her new husband. Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?” “No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
Maria was a 19 year old maid who worked for a wealthy Californian couple. She wasn’t well paid, and one day she asked her boss, Mrs. Darcy, for a pay increase. Mrs. Darcy was annoyed at this and asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria replies, “Well señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.” “The first is that I iron better than you.” Mrs. Darcy asks, “Who said you iron better than me?” Maria answers, “Your husband said so.” “Oh.” Maria continues, “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.” Mrs. Darcy scoffs, “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria answers, “Your husband did.” “Oh.” Maria finishes, “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.” Mrs. Darcy demands angrily, “Did my husband say that as well?” Maria grins, “No señora, the gardener did. I'd like that pay raise now.”
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with tiny white shorts." "What does your wife look like?" The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours!"
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor. He explains that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint from the ladies. “Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “Is there anything you can do for me?” The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.” “But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man visits the witch and relays his story. “Witch, my manhood is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You’re my last hope!” The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I may be able to help you.” “Do this,” the witch tells the man. “Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond.” “In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic.” “You say to the frog, 'will you marry me?'” “When the frog says 'no', you will find your problem has shrunken 5 inches.” The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He found the magic frog in the pond, sitting on a log, as the witch described. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?” The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, “NO!” The man looked down and suddenly his manhood was 5 inches shorter. “WOW,” he screamed out loud, “This is great!” But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!” The man felt another twitch in his groin, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, “This is fantastic!” He looked down at his weapon again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. 15 inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will you marry me?” The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you?”... “NO, NO, NO!”
The maternity class is full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor says, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you." "Walking is especially beneficial – it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." "Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface, like a grass path." The instructor continues, “And Gentlemen, remember – you’re in this together." "It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her." "In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.” The room suddenly becomes very quiet as the men absorb the information. After a few moments, a man at the back of the room slowly raises his hand. “Yes?” says the instructor. “I was just wondering," the man says,... "Would it be alright if she carries a golf bag whilst we walk?"