If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first? The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.
A three-year old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains." "Not yet", she replied.
A pastor's wife decided to get him a bicycle for his birthday to help him start a fitness routine. The pastor gave it a shot, but after a few weeks of a regular routine, he realized it probably wasn't his thing. One day he was riding past a freshly mowed lawn and a young man sitting on the porch. The young man said, "Hey preacher, good to see you getting your ride in!" The pastor stops to catch his breath and say, "Thanks, but I don't think I'll be riding much longer, it's not my thing." The young man replied, "That's a shame, it's a real nice bike." The pastor looks over at the mower and says, "You have a nice mower, looks brand new." The young man replies, "Well, I only used it a few times, but I just recently found out I'll have to move to a city for my job and won't have a lawn to mow." "Wait a minute!" the young man says, "What about a trade? I won't need my mower in the city, and you don't want your bike." The pastor thinks for a second and says, "Done!" The next week, the pastor gets out his nearly new mower to try it out. But try as he might, he just couldn't get it started. He had been yanking the cord with all his strength for 5 minutes straight when he sees the young man riding by on the bicycle. He calls out, "Hey, this mower you gave me won't start!" "Did you cuss it out real good?" asked the young man. "What? Heavens no!" the pastor exclaimed. The young man explained, "Well, it doesn't start unless you cuss it out first." "Son," the preacher said, "I'm a man of the cloth, I have to set an example for my flock. I don't use profanity, and in fact it's been so long, I probably don't remember how!" "Well," the young man says as he rides away, "You just keep pulling that cord,"... "It'll come back to you soon enough!"
What’s the difference between a rock climber and a golfer? A golfer goes: Whack! “Sh*t!” A rock climber goes: “Sh*t!” Whack!
I had a blind date last night with a girl I met on a dating app. The problem was is she had no profile pic, but neither did I, and I consider myself quite handsome. So I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night. Well, as it turns out, there's an app for that. It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like him or her, you ignore the call. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?" The description said it works every time. So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried. She was gorgeous! My eyes were in a realm of happiness like never before. I couldn't get over how attractive she was. Stunning beauty and supple curves. Just as I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started nagging him. "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
A keen duck hunter was looking to buy a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that was able to walk on water in order to retrieve a duck. Amazed by his discovery, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try and break the news to a friend, an eternal pessimist who was never impressed by anything. In the hope that even he would be impressed by a dog that could walk on water, the pessimist was invited to join the hunter and his dog on a trip to the country. However, the hunter deliberately refrained from mentioning the dog’s special talent – he wanted his friend to see for himself. The two men and the dog made their way to a good hunting lake and as they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew overhead. The men fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water, but instead of sinking, it walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than its paws wet. This continued throughout the day. Each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist carefully watched everything, but did not say a word. Then on the drive home, the hunter casually asked his friend, ‘Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?’ ‘I certainly did,’ replied the pessimist,... ‘He can’t swim.’
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws!