A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘You ok?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he replies. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘No, it’s probably best I stay here.’ he replies. ‘Why’s that sweetie?’ says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, “Because I’m the Goalie!”
A husband comes home from work to find his wife in the living room with her suitcase packed. He says, "Huh, what's going on?" She says. "I'm leaving you, I'm going to Las Vegas. " The husband responds, "Holy smokes, why?!" She says, "You know that thing I did to you with my mouth last night? Well I found out today I can earn $400 for that, instead of giving it to you for nothing!" The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down with his suitcase packed as well. His wife says, "Now where do you think you are going?!" "Heck," he says,"... "I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"
On a farm in Nebraska, a farmer was having an issue with his parrot. His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having his naughty way with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot, "If you bump uglies with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!" The next day, the farmer wakes up to find the parrot humping another hen. The farmer snatched the parrot up, and to his word, plucked every feather out of his head. Later that night, the farm was hosting a formal dinner. The farmer's wife thought it would be a unique touch for the parrot to greet everyone as they came in, and to tell them where to go. So as the guests arrived, the parrot would say, "Ladies to the left! Gentlemen to the right!" After a while of the parrot repeating it over and over, he spots two bald men entering. "Ladies to the Left! Gentlemen to the right!,"... "And you two chicken humpers get up here with me!"