An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge. Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. "Guess I'm swimming then."
A husband wakes up with The Mother Of All Hangovers. He dreads the lecture he’s about to get as this isn’t exactly his first time having stayed out too late and had a few too many. But instead as he rolls over he sees two aspirin, a glass of water and his clothes neatly folded. Taking the pills, he gets up to head down the hall… suddenly remembering he got violently sick in the hall when he came home. Dreading the mess, he opens the door and sees everything neat and clean. Confused, he goes down the hall and sees his wife sitting there with a big plate of breakfast. He looks at her and says “Uhhh… this isn’t exactly what I expected this morning.” She says, “Well I admit, I was pretty mad, but then you said something last night that made a difference.” He answers, “Uhhh, what did I say?” She says, “When you were in the bed, I started to take your pants off, you said ‘Hey knock that off, leave me alone lady, cantcha? I’m married!”
A young man was at the pharmacy with his father. He asks, “Dad why they sell condoms in packs of three?” His dad tells him, “Those are for high school couples. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” He asks, “Why do condoms come in pack of six?” His dad tells him, “Those are for college couples. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.” He then asks, “Why are they sold in twelve packs?” His dad tells him, “Those are for married couples. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."