An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it." Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?" Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"
When my son was about seven years old, my wife, son, and I were on a car trip when my son asked: "Mom, what's a flasher?". Well, being a responsible mother, she proceeded to describe this man with a trench coat. You get the picture. After the explanation, my son frowned as though he did not get a good answer and then asked: "But mom, what does it mean 'Trucks under 40 use flashers'?".
Engineers One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas." The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer who had remained silent and said, "We seem to be stuck. What do you think?" The Computer Engineer answered, "I think we should all get out and then get back in and restart the engine."
Most Ancient Profession One day a medical doctor, an architect and a politician were arguing which was the original, most ancient profession. The doctor said: "In the beginning, man was created - anatomy, physiology, biology... obviously, medicine is the most ancient profession." The archietect countered: "Yes, but before man, the world was designed and created - clearly, architecture is even more ancient than medicine." The politician was silent. Then he spoke: "And before creation, what was there?" "Nothing," said the other two, "just total chaos." "And WHO created that?"
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
A lion went down to the local watering hole for a drink. As he was bending over lapping up the water, a gorilla sitting in the near-by bushes noticed the lion's ass sticking up in the air and thought to himself "I'd like a bit of that." The gorilla crept up behind the lion and shafted him right up the date, then took off running back into the jungle. The lion, somewhat shocked and taken by surprise by the sudden rogering he received, took off after his molesterer. The pursuit went on for some time, with the lion chasing after the gorilla through the jungle. The gorilla, out of sight for a minute, comes to a clearing where an explorer has made camp. He quickly puts on a hat, large sunglasses, and sits down on a chair and starts reading a newspaper. The lion comes running into the clearing and looks all around for the gorilla. He says, "You didn't see a gorilla come running through here did you?" The gorilla looks over his newspaper at the lion and says, "You mean a big, black, hairy one that just fucked a lion up the ass?" The lion says "Is it in the newspaper already?"
A guy and his wife enter the hospital and explain to the doctors that she is about to give birth. They take her into a room and a few minutes later, the doctor comes out and tells the guy, "Your baby is OK but it looks like he'll be born without a leg." He goes back into the room and about 20 minutes later he comes back out and says to the guy, "I have bad news, the baby is gonna be born with no legs, no arms and no nose." The guy is very upset but says, "At least he's alive." The doctor goes back into the room. The guy is getting impatient and after about an hour the doctor hears the guy calling him. The doctor back out and says to the guy, "I have very bad news, the baby is just an ear." The guy, who is distraught by now, says almost jokingly, "At least it couldn't get any worse." The doctor then says, "Yes it can, he's also deaf.