My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well... Do you think you’ll be next?” We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody... unless you are in prison.
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.... Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am. “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer. “I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man. “Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, "who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!” The man sighs, “my wife.”