Jokes 2

FLY maybe you have been working too hard recently buddy. Here is a straight-forward one

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it’s urgent! I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”

The clerk replies “Anything?”

“Yes… ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. “Take it out”, says the clerk.”

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead and do it…” She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello? … Mom?”

Could be the joke sucks I suppose - no offence meant anyway

 

Good Business Plan

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting in front of a church and they each had charity boxes in front of them to collect money. The church goers that were passing by couldn't believe the nerve of the rabbi, and purposely threw large sums of money into the priest's charity box to spite the rabbi. Finally one of the passer-by had sympathy on the rabbi, and advised him, "Go to a synagogue and collect there, you'll have more success." The Rabbi thanked the passer-by, and then turned to the priest and said, "You here that, Yankel; he's telling us how to do business!"

 

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Timmay.

 

The NY version: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try a gun."

 

A magician is performing at a kids' party. He does all the usual stuff - disappearing coins, hankies, linking rings etc. Then he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A wee boy goes up.

The magician pulls down the kid's shorts and then takes him from behind.

"Hey" shouts one of the older kids, "that's not much of a trick."

 

d

Pete was no good, Son. I hate to tell you this, but he was yella!!

 

A young girl comes home one night with rice in her hair, her mother asks "have you been to a wedding?"

The daughter replies "no, I was giving a chinese man a blow job, and he threw up on me."

 

This is fuckin' great. You *must* use headphones (or earbuds, I used them and it was excellent).

It's not loud or obnoxious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUDTlvagjJA

 

When I was younger and uncircumcised, it felt good to play with my foreskin. One day, I got the bright idea to let the spokes in an old exercise bike "vibrate" my foreskin. (Think playing card in bicycle spokes.)

Well, I was using the peddles to spin the wheels when I lost track of what I was doing. My dick got caught in the chain and then it got pulled through the chain guard!! Needless to say, I am now circumcised!

I'm embarrassed by it, but the cut was pretty straight and the doctors were amazing, so to the untrained eye my dick just looks a little lumpy in places (which isn't necessarily a BAD thing, mind you). And yes, I still have sex. (But I stay away from those exercise bikes with spokes! Yikes!)