Jokes 2

There was a kid in school who couldn't answer 1+1. Everyone laughed at him except me. Whem I told this to my mom she said "Nutmeg you are such a good child".

Then she asked who is the stupid ignoranus who couldn't answer the simple question?

Uh..... me.

 

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's
room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding
onto their privates to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she
lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in the fourth grade.'

HE REPLIED: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.'

 

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed; he was
feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door
at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be
getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not
reheating it".

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

 

An inflatable jockey was riding an inflatable horse for an inflatable trainer and an inflatable owner, for the first time in the 7th race. Silver Arrow was leading easily after the last turn, he pulls up too early and two horse went past him.

After the race the jockey was so mad he stuck a pin in the horse, then he stuck a pin in the trainer and then the owner. He was called in front of the Stewards where he stuck a pin in himself.

The Stewards said to him, 'not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down, you have let yourself down.'

To be continued....

 

I'll wager he felt deflated after the race . . .

 

Some Funny Quotes

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

 

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
----------------

There was a butcher ran a deli called Peoples. He had a sign in the window:

"People's meat can't be beat".

 

So I got the kid a puppy for his birthday. A mutt. He played with the puppy for a little while and I said "Whad'ya name him?"

He said "Guess"

I said "Spot?"

"No"

"Sparky?"

"No"

"Tippy?"

"No"

“I’m done guessing?” I said.

“No, that’s his name, Guess. Get it?”

“Yeah,” I sighed like Lou Costello. “And Who’s on first, smart ass".

 

http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2007/09/great-olan-mills-photos.html

 

Fly

That was so funny. As I'm scrolling down I was expecting to see a picture of me or someone I know. The few olan mills pix I have in the basement are safely wrapped in newspaper, tomorrow I'll be sure to stack some more shit on top of them, no one will find them till I'm dead.