So a Russian kid on the steppes asks Dad, “Father, where do our names comes from?” The child’s two siblings echo the question. “We name our children after those things important or visible at the time of conception” “Well daughter (to kid one) we named you after the stars in the sky!” “Son, (to kid two) we named you after the songs of the field.” “You, Torn Condom, just shut the f—- up.”
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." I'm excited about Thanksgiving because I love unwelcome parenting advice from relatives I see twice a year. Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths. My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold. There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium. On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment ..... halftime. They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse or Stuffing-cide. Want to really freak someone out? Add 2 extra turkey legs to the turkey when it's in the oven. For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac! My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey". Happy Turkey Day, America! Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. -Johnny Carson ---------------- The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren’t Reach in and grab the giblets. Whew! That’s one terrific spread! I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist. Talk about huge breasts! “And he forces his way into the end zone!” She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down. It’s Cool Whip time! If I don’t unbuckle my pants, I’m going to burst! It must be broken, ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.