I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you. "Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’'re over eighty..............who cares? ********** I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....." When you'’re over eighty.............who cares? *********** I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right. ”I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you. ”Cost me a fat lip, but... When you'’re over eighty..............who cares? ********** I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the privates, but... When you’'re over eighty...............who cares? ********* I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’'re over eighty...............who cares? ********** I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "Cost me 6 more stitches, but..When you’'re over eighty ..............who cares?" Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and rememberwe do not quit playing because we grow old.... we grow old because we quit playing"................
AUSTRALIAN MUSLIMS’ REQUEST: At Bondi beach, Muslims request BEACH BAN of "BIKINIS" DURING RAMADAN: AUSSIES REPLY WITH............ There we go again ---- bowing to Muslim wishes!!
A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right? "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on." "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???" "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. What does the trick is that it's keeping your mouth shut. "
The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied. "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, Aye, Master Chief!" "Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Master Chief." "Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."