The state trooper asks the old woman: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?” The old woman who could barely see over the steering wheel is hard at hearing and replies: “What?” The husband sitting next to her says: “He said do you have any idea how fast you were going?” The state trooper then says to the old woman: “Ma’am, I need to see your drivers license.” The old woman replies: “What?” to which her husband says: “He needs to see your drivers license”. The old woman says: “OK” and hands the trooper her license. The trooper looks at the license and sees that she was from Macon, Georgia. The trooper says: “I see you’re from Macon, I used to date a woman from Macon back during the war. She was the worst damn lover I ever had”. The old woman who is hard at hearing says: “What?” The husband leans over and says: “HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”
What Do the Amish Think of the Modern World? A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Junior, go get your Mother."
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level. Regards, John Cleese , British writer, actor and tall person And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
What causes the most accidents? Not cell phones. Not the radio. Not the GPS monitor. Not talking. Not texting. Not watching a car video. Not changing a CD. The most frequent causes of accidents in the World are caused by... (wait for it…) Yep! You guessed it! Inappropriate footwear!