The Irish Cop... A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration,please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irishcop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Back in the day there was this cowboy. Well he finally decided to settle down and get married. He picked a nearby western style town that had just built a new hotel with a Bridal Suite they could have their honeymoon in after the ceremony. The wedding takes place as scheduled and he enters the hotel. The desk clerk looks up. Yes Sir he says and he notices that the couple had just got married. Would ya like the Bridal Sir ? Nah says the cowboy. If she gets a bit frisky I will hang onto her ears.
THE DEBT CEILING; I love it when a complicated situation can be explained in such simple terms! · Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING · Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING · Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING · NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING SO, allow me to explain. Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling. What do you think you should do? 1. raise the ceiling, or 2. pump out the shit? Your choice is coming in November 2016
Some Old Puns The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because itwas a weapon of math disruption. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The policearelooking into it. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said tothe other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off theGrass.' Themidget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. Thestewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!' Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' Theother says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hopethat at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.